Music blared through the dimly lit basement. The fluorescent glow of fading LEDs was my only source of light as I trampled through the massive crowd of people toward the stairs. I tossed the empty cup in my hand underneath my feet as I trekked up the musty stairwell. We had been at this party for way too long and my feet already hurt. As I reached the last step, I pulled the Converse off my feet. I looked around for any face I knew in the crowd, but it was useless. I staggered toward the front door, pushing the sweaty blonde hair out of my face with my free hand. I stalked outside and down the street barefoot, my shoes in hand.
The evening was a cool contrast to the small space I had been cooped up in all night. Thankful for the breeze that hit my face, I looked up at the stars, trying to find my favorite constellation. The hazy state of my mind only saw blurs of light twinkling. I wasn’t sure if I was headed in the right direction, but I made my way toward where I hoped campus would be. A car slowly pulled up next to me, and I looked over my shoulder to see the passenger side window rolling down. A familiar face appeared from the driver’s seat, short dark hair sitting messily upon his head, dark eyes lit up by the dashboard lights.
“Get in the car, Florence, you’re heading in the wrong direction,” Lincoln laughed lightly. Like a magnet for his voice, my unsteady legs walked toward his car of their own accord. I threw my shoes on the floor and apprehensively settled into the passenger seat. He put the car in drive and I glanced sideways at him, my foggy brain unsure how to act.
“I’m not supposed to be talking to you.” I said quietly, facing forward to avoid eye contact. He snickered from the drivers seat, blinker going off as we pulled onto our campus.
“You were wandering around the street with your shoes in your hand, in the wrong direction. I thought this would be the most appropriate time to be talking to you.” He took his eyes off the road to look over at me. Our eyes met in the darkness, but I could still see the emotion. He looked happy to be with me, but at the same time he seemed saddened by our circumstances.
“She said to leave you alone. So I was leaving you alone.” I knew the still hazy state of my brain would knock down my defenses and make me spill my heart to him, so I tried hard to be deliberate with my choice of words. If I wasn’t careful, this interaction could backfire in both of our faces.
“And you’re choosing to listen to her? That doesn’t sound like you, Flo. Angela is the last person I ever expected you to listen to,” he said as he pulled the car in front of our apartment building. I didn’t even realize we had already made it back to campus, or even what time it was. The clock on the dashboard lit up the screen, it was past two in the morning. My roommates would hopefully be on their way back from the party soon.
“Well that was the old me, Link, I’m just trying to do the right thing right now. I did awful things to her, and even to you. I care about our friendship too much to not listen to what she says,” I said, breaking our eye contact to look down at my hands. They fidgeted with each other, trying to keep my nerves, and the drinks I had tonight, in their place.
“You know I care about you. I’ve told you that. I just need more time to figure this out. I promise you it’s happening,” Lincoln said, turning his body to face me completely. He grabbed my left hand out of my lap, holding it warmly. “Angela means nothing to me.” He was doing the right things, saying the right things, but I couldn’t shake the warning I had been given.
“No, I can’t keep waiting, Lincoln. Have you ever thought about how I feel? Every single time I see you, it’s been up to you and your feelings. The ball is always in your court, and I can’t keep doing this. You know what I want, and I know you want it, too.” He needed to know how I really felt, and I needed to stand up for myself, drinks be damned. “I would be all in, I can be all in, but you have to be all in, otherwise this won’t work. Angela has been important to you for years, and I respect that. But if you’re as unhappy as you say you are, then do something about it.” I hastily unbuckled my seatbelt and grabbed my shoes off the floor. I needed a sturdy exit, so I prayed my legs held up as I opened the car door and stomped out.
“You know how I feel! I’ve told you a hundred times. I am trying to end things with her, I am trying to end it as kind as possible. I’ve spent the last three years growing with her, growing apart from her, and now I’m trying to move on. I need to do this in person, she deserves that much,” Lincoln yelled to me, stepping out of the car and slamming his door. I shut mine as well, eyeing him warily as he walked over and stood in front of me. The height difference between us made him tower over me, and I stared up at him, trying my hardest not to break.
“I just need you to explain to me what you’re doing with her. She’s hurt you, and I’m on your team no matter what, Lincoln, but I still need you to talk to me.” I felt a blush creeping over my cheeks. He looked down at me, meeting my eyes with a sheepish smile on his face.
“I promise I’m trying, but you need to work with me, okay? Believe me, Florence, I am trying to do the right things for you.” I melted at the twinkle in his eye, all I could do was nod at him with a smile. The haze from my evening was fading away and I felt things were finally going in the right direction for us. With all my willpower, I backed away and walked toward the dorm that housed my apartment. I reached the door and turned to look at him. He was leaning against his car, fluffy hair blowing in the light breeze of the night, and he looked at me, wearing that smile that rendered me helpless. I waved to him, watched him wave back, heart skipping as I turned and walked into the lobby of our building.
When I reached my apartment, I was happy to find both of my roommates already home. Though I didn’t want to talk, it comforted me to know they were there. Maddie was passed out on our couch with the television still playing in the background and Bella’s bedroom door was open just a crack. I could see her sleeping in her bed as I walked to my room. My stark white bedding was still made up nicely from this morning as I quietly shut my door, changed out of my uncomfortable party clothes into my pajamas, and settled into the inviting pillows. As much as I needed sleep, I ended up staring up at my blank ceiling, reflecting on the night. I had gone to the party tonight needing to forget, never expecting to end it with the face-to-face conversation Lincoln and I needed to have. I had blown him off for a week now, it was easier that way. The conversation I had with Angela still weighed heavily on my heart, but I knew what I wanted.
I woke up the next morning to the obnoxious sound of my alarm. Quickly rolling over I shut it off and slung my hand over my eyes. It was way too early, and my head was pounding after last night. Today was going to be a long day. But despite the fog, my first thoughts were of Lincoln. I checked my phone; there were no new messages. He never texted me last night, I didn’t even know if he made it back to his apartment. I couldn’t help but worry about him, and about us. Did he really mean what he had said? Or was it all just part of his game? Did Angela find out he and I talked and had she found a way to pull him back in? The paranoia clouded my judgment as I got dressed for work. I grabbed my keys off of my wooden dresser, scribbled a note to my roommates that I would be back around eight o’clock tonight and that we would hang out, stuck it onto the fridge and dragged myself into my day.
When I finally pulled back onto campus at eight that night the sun was already down, but the sky was clear and I admired the scenery lit up by a full collection of stars. It didn’t take long for my thoughts to turn back to Lincoln, though. I still hadn’t heard from him. I promised myself I wasn’t going to pester him, or double text him, or show up at his room tonight. I wasn’t going to be that girl, but I worried. His apartment was down the hall from mine, so I knew I would hear him when he came home, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I had scared him away with my honesty last night.
I opened up the door to our apartment and was greeted by my roommates. Maddie was at the stove, cooking dinner, and Bella was watching the new dumb reality show we had started this week, pretending to do her homework.
“Flo! You’re home!” Maddie exclaimed as I walked in. Bella waved at me from her spot on the couch, taking her eyes off the television.
“Hey guys, how was your day?” I asked as I settled into the comforts of home. The room was warmly lit up with a variation of Christmas lights and was filled with the scent of our blueberry candle and the pasta dish Maddie was making.
“Good, super boring though. Neither of us felt good enough to do anything today. Are you okay to stay home and have a night in?” Bella asked.
“I am so down for a night in, my head is still pounding.”
“Where did you go last night? We lost you.” Maddie asked, portioning out dinner for us.
“Um, I left around two-ish and just walked home. You guys went to get more drinks, I just needed to clear my head,” I replied, taking the bowls of pasta from Maddie and handing one to Bella on the couch. I sat down in the chair beside her, turning my attention to the TV. I knew I couldn’t tell them about what had happened with Lincoln last night, the line that we had crossed, the promises he had made. They both thought we were still strictly friends. I couldn’t face them if they knew that I was the reason Lincoln was breaking up with his girlfriend of three years. I never wanted to be the person I had become.
We finished up dinner with small talk and mindless reality TV. I tried my best to be as present as possible, but I couldn’t quiet the dread in the pit of my stomach that had everything to do with Lincoln and his absence. He told me last night he was all in. He told me it was going to be us. And then, silence. A hot shower and comfy clothes helped a bit, and it felt nice to relax with my roommates and settle in for the night, though my heart skipped every time my phone pinged or I heard footsteps in the hallway outside. But the hours passed with no word, and after dozing off several times, I decided it was time for bed. I guess last night was a mirage.
Just as I said good night and turned toward my room, there was a banging on our door.
“Come on guys, my key won’t work will you let me in? This isn’t funny,” the familiar voice muffled from the hallway. I looked over at my roommates with a questioning glance, not wanting them to see the way my heart jumped. I played it cool and opened the door slowly to see an intoxicated Lincoln trying to unlock our door with his room key. It was always an intoxicated Lincoln on the other side of the door, as though the liquid gave him the confidence he needed to follow his heart. A wobbly smile erupted on his face as he saw me.
“I don’t live here,” he giggled, pushing past me to plop clumsily down in the chair I was previously occupying. He dropped his bag on the floor, which clattered with empty cans, pushed the baseball cap off his head, and ran his hands through his messy hair.
“Hey buddy. What are you doing here?” Maddie questioned, eyeing me and Bella. Lincoln and his roommates often came over after their nights out, but it was strange to see just one of them.
“Well I was at a party down the road with the boys and then I left. Also, did you realize your room looks exactly like mine from the outside?” He rambled, bringing the half full can to his lips. “Flo, do you have any food? I’m so hungry.” Lincoln turned his attention fully to me for the first time since last night. The drinks made his cheeks flush a light pink and there was an excitement behind his brown eyes that usually meant nothing good.
“Of course, what do you want? We had pasta for dinner that’s left over or I can get you a snack?” I asked, walking toward our kitchen. I would have given him anything.
“Pasta please.” Lincoln hummed from his chair, his attention engrossed in the TV. Getting his food together I heard him and my roommates chattering about nothing important, but I felt nervous. Lincoln was not one to be quiet about anything, especially when he was drinking, and I worried what would come out of his mouth. When it was warm, I handed him the bowl of pasta.
“Thanks. Sit with me?” Lincoln asked softly, making vulnerable eye contact. He knew I couldn’t say no.
“Yeah, okay.” I responded back in a nervous whisper, perching myself on the arm of his chair. He scooted toward me, resting his head gently on my left arm. He watched the tv and ate his pasta, dropping a bit down the front of his grey sweatshirt.
“Seriously,” Lincoln muttered, trying to wipe off his shirt.
“It’ll come out,” I said. His eyes met mine and he smiled. It was like everything was right when we looked at each other. No one else in this room mattered but us. We were just staring when Maddie cleared her throat, grabbing my attention.
“Bella and I are going to bed. You got him?” she asked, looking between me and Lincoln, questioning our awkwardly flirtatious exchange.
“Yeah, I’ll bring him back to his room,” I said as my roommates made their way down the hall. Lincoln sat happily in the chair, resting his head again on my arm. Once he heard both of the doors shut, he lifted his head to look up at me.
“Hi,” he whispered, brown eyes sleepy. “I missed you.” He was fully facing me now, and I swung my legs around the arm of the chair so they were in the seat with him.
“I haven’t heard from you all day,” I said, fighting back tears I didn’t realize I had been holding in all day. Even in the state he was in, I knew he saw my hurt.
“Yeah I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t do that to you. I just forgot that we were better, ya know? We’ve been fighting this for so long, I just forgot. I’ll do better, I promise,” Lincoln responded, with a slight slur to his words. I hoped the alcohol was a truth serum and not a way to just tell me what I wanted to hear. This is what had gotten him into this mess in the first place… too many nights where our inhibitions were down and he couldn’t fight his feelings the way he did during the daylight.
“Okay. As long as we are still good, it’s okay,” I said. “But let’s get you to bed, you’re a mess.” I laughed, standing up out of the chair. I extending my free hand to him. He grabbed it and stood up, wobbling as he did. “Phone and keys in your pocket?” I asked.
“Yes ma’am.” I laughed at him, and he snaked his arm around my shoulder, mine going around his waist to steady him. Stumbling with him down the hallway, I took his keys out of his hand and unlocked his door. We were met with the shocked face of one of his roommates.
“Dude where have you been?” Connor asked Lincoln. He turned his attention to me. “Where did you find him? He’s been missing for two hours and wouldn’t answer his phone. I thought he was dead,” Connor exclaimed.
“He ended up in my room. He thought it was his room, but just stayed for a while. I fed him and now I’m bringing him back. I didn’t know you guys were looking for him, I’m sorry,” I answered for Lincoln, who had laid his head on top of my head, leaving a light kiss in my hair. My heart fluttered.
“I wanted to see Florence,” Lincoln slurred. He let go of me and stumbled over to the couch. He threw his body down, missed entirely, and ended up in a heap on the floor.
“Are you okay dude? You just ate the floor.” Connor laughed..
“Florence did you see that? I just fell, and I think I broke the table.” He groaned and laughed at the same time, holding up a piece of the wooden coffee table in his hand. I laughed as I reached to help him up.
“I think you might have had one too many tonight. It’s time for bed, you gotta get up,” I said. He reached his hand up to me then wrapped it around my leg, slowly running his hand up and down my calf as he looked up at me.
“I can’t get up. I’m stuck here, Flo. Your leg’s really soft.” He looked over at Connor, ran his other hand up Connors calf, and declared, “Your leg’s not soft at all,” before busting into a fit of laughter. I couldn’t help but to laugh with them. We were supposed to be having moments like these instead of working so hard to hide our feelings for one another.
“Link, buddy, we have to go to bed. You can’t sleep on the floor, you’ll hate yourself for it tomorrow.” He shook his head at me, eyes fluttering closed, the feathery touch on my leg stopping as he succumbed to sleep.
“Thank you. For bringing him back. He seems to want to be with you an awful lot, even when he’s not drinking,” Connor said as we walked into their kitchen. I smiled, feeling a blush creep onto my cheeks.
“He is something else, but I’m glad he’s back in one piece.” I said. I looked at the sleeping boy at my feet, light snores coming out of his mouth. I just wanted to take care of him, to be near him.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but I’m smart enough to know that you mean an awful lot to him,” said Connor. “He’s been dealing with a lot lately, especially with Angela. He told me you guys stopped talking for a while. I don’t know if he told you this, but he was absolutely broken up over it. He missed you and talks about you constantly.”
“I didn’t know that,” I pondered, surprised by Connor’s sudden honesty. “Believe me, I know about Angela, who do you think comforts him every time they get into a fight?” There were more nights than I could count that Lincoln had confided in me all the ways in which Angela had hurt him, messed with his head, or just took him for granted. He wasn’t happy, but she was an old habit he didn’t know how to kick.
“Hey, Flo, do you think you can stay with him? I’ve gotta go find Mikey,” Connor asked, moving toward the door to look for his other roommate. I nodded, of course I would stay with him. I would never leave this apartment again if it meant I could be with him. Connor left and I sat on the couch, watching Lincoln breathe.
I don’t know how long I dozed for before I heard Lincoln rustling at my feet.
“My head hurts,” he moaned, starting to sit up. He swayed a little back and forth, but then locked eyes with me. I knew his buzz was fading as a large grin spread across his face. “You’re still here.”
“Of course I am. Someone needs to keep an eye on you at all times,” I joked. I moved to the kitchen to pour him a glass of water, and he followed.
“Oh yeah? Can I tell you a secret?” he asked as he leaned closer to me, making my heart beat wildly in my chest.
“Please do,” I whispered, looking up at him through my lashes, trying not to combust at his closeness. He smiled, knowing the effect he had on me.
“I did it,” he said proudly. “Today was the day, and I did it. I went home and I invited her over and I ended it. That’s why I couldn’t talk today, I needed some time to figure things out, but Florence, it’s over,” Lincoln said, his brown eyes unwavering as he looked at me.
“Are you… there’s no way, are you serious?” I questioned, afraid to fully believe what he meant. “This isn’t just the liquor talking, right Lincoln? Because I cannot handle that.”
“No, it’s over. It’s the truth and it’s all over. We can finally have this,” he said as he laced his fingers through mine. I instantly relaxed into his body, melting at his touch as he enveloped me into a hug. His head rested atop of mine as I wrapped my arms around his middle. I didn’t want to let go, not ever. I had spent the past few months waiting for this, wishing for this, beating myself up over wanting this. He planted a kiss atop my head before slowly pulling back to look at me.
“I am so proud of you. I know that it took a lot. I’m just glad I don’t have to share you anymore,” I laughed.
“You never had to share me. I was yours from the second I met you, it just took me a minute to figure out how to make things right,” Lincoln said as he pulled me to the couch and wrapped his arms around me. My face rested in his chest as my mind raced. I thought about every moment we had ever spent together, how much he meant to me, how hard we had fought our feelings because he never wanted me to feel like the second choice. His heart had let Angela go long before, he’d held on out of a sense of obligation, but his choice was finally clear. And he chose me. I fell asleep to the soft sounds of him breathing and the warm, familiar scent that I could finally call home.
